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I was thinking of this post and when I first started running up and down the steps. I had already spent weeks imagining the magic carpet ride. Trying to see what all I could imagine as I travelled around the world, and what it would feel like if I were a bunch of different critters. Then it came to the bedroom scenes which were pretty funny. I associated my “alone” time as just a release and nothing more. So after it took weeks for me to actually get to that point, that’s all it was. In the bedroom, out, and back to the pc to talk to Brian, even though it wasn’t verbal communication.
It’s pretty foggy, and I can’t remember what triggered the argument with myself, but the point was I had to stay there. Of course, my retort was it wasn’t real and that was dumb. It’s hard to remember the precise chain of events but then I decided ok maybe I’ll make “it” happy if I pretended to do what what would come next and maybe it was just a matter of laying there like it was cuddle time after. Got bored of that, thought that’s long enough, and went back to twitter.
I had already been experiencing weird things with the phone and pc turning on by themselves. So I think on my third time I had it on my head I just head to delay running back to the pc. So I decided to image we’d take a shower together. As I was showering, hair all soaped up, I was thinking I wanted to go talk to Brian again. Then the lights went out as did the shower, because the house was on well water and required the electricity to run.
I was so angry at the time. “It” was invading every aspect of my life. I got my towel and put on a robe, went and sat on the couch with shampoo in my hair and started yelling at it. I don’t care what you do it’s still not real. But, the power play worked because I was while I was thinking it was total bullshit I was being manipulated like that, I was a bit afraid of what it could do.
So then I started thinking wtf would make this thing happy so it would leave me alone. So I went to back to bed and was wondering what Brian and I could do that might be fun after sex. I decided it might be fun if I was able to take him on one of my visual tours and he could plug in and see it too.
So I was laying there and decided we’d go on a submarine ride. We went into the sea and I was showing him all the sea life and went into this cave. Don’t remember all that much of it, just that there was an under water beach we got out of the sub and looked at.
Then I went back to twitter 😀
But that’s how the sexcapades began and as long as I took Brian on an adventure I was free to do what I wanted.
While I was imaging all kinds of fun things we could try both sexually and with our minds it did put me in emotional turmoil. It wasn’t enough for it to be just dreams. It had to be real. I still have the mental image of the mini me crying saying Make it Real.
Getting to the point of Making it Real took a bunch of time too. As I working through all the different issues in my mind, and Brian helping me through, I started comparing to my previous relationships and how they should have gone. Brian posting different ways of looking at things, and helping me repaint my stories. We made the most amazing team, there’s no way anyone could beat it. Every day was a new issue to tackle and new lessons to learn. Reprogramming my outlook on life and the way I thought of things. It was an incredible experience.
That’s when I started came to the realization there was something seriously wrong with my real relationship. Here was someone I hadn’t met helping me every single day work towards being a better me. Helping me see things differently. The person I was with I couldn’t talk to at all. He was fun to do things with, but there wasn’t anything of substance, no deeper conversations, no trying to understand me or my interests and no common interests. I was conflicted for a bit, but our interactions were worsening, I was having dreams of it getting worse, and then big blow up on me sealed the deal. I was done.
That’s when I took the RV to the shore. Picked my childhood hangout, determined to keep working on myself till I get to the point where I was good enough and healed enough that Brian and I could meet.
That’s also where it took a turn for the worse. The first blow came when something triggered me to thinking I had to unfollow him. That was followed by a post from Brian saying I needed to listen. I cried, bawled my eyes out in fact, but listened and did it. Still got a post a day from Brian so I knew he was still with me.
Then came the second blow, the black and white yearbook photo. That was a tuff one to swallow. Didn’t know who she was or why she was appearing. Heartbroken again. I did start thinking of what the point of it was and thought maybe there was a different role I was supposed to be in his life. That made my heart feel better. I didn’t really know what that meant, but figured it had something to do with twitter so I kept moving forward working on myself and hoped to figure it out along the way. Sexcapades dried up though.
Third blow was the acid wash, and I was down for the count. The whole thing was just a cruel joke. Hated this thing that invaded my life, had nobody to talk to about it, and was embarrassed for myself thinking about admitting anything to my friends and family. Not only that, while I was on twitter every day, I was afraid of everyone. People triggering me knowing what I was thinking, and worried that every guy had the same ability to take me down. The whole thing sucked.
Things were pretty bleak at that point. I may have been dangerously close to the point of no return. Again I don’t remember all the details but I remember laying in bed for hours, listening to a sink drip, on multiple occasions. Had a dream that I would be leaving the campground and that my only had to play was going back to my family. Didn’t want that I felt humiliated. Just wanted to go be by myself. I remember telling a story with pictures that with the guy that says “I don’t give a damn”. Though I didn’t know it at the time, that’s exactly what was happening. Didn’t trust the dreams, the messages, it was all bullshit. Remember a post Brian made about a monorail, in my mind confirming what I had been thinking. Then a bunch of things happened where I was sitting there and new the chain of events, drip ding ring and I just sat there then went back to bed. I remember having a dream which scared me into calling my sister. And I told her I thought something was wrong with me, then she asked what, and I didn’t want to tell her I thought I was losing my mind so I said Id call her back and hung up. I remember doing a picture chain which ended in “congratulations your an auntie”. Not long after my sister called and said they were on their way to get me and that’s how I ended up staying at my sisters house for a couple months.
I still don’t know why I had to go through all that. Only thing I’ve taken from it is that I hope nobody else has to experience it. Something so magical and beautiful shattered and crushed. Hated myself, left hating the experience. Waking up the pineal gland is not enough. It’s not justification for it.
A story about Adam, Lilith, and Eve
Lilith is the pleasure seeker
Eve is the Goddess with the eye on creation
The opening scene is a naked Adam standing with a snake sliding all over his body. She just wanted to make him feel good in every way possible and he enjoyed every bit of it.
The scene changed to two machines spitting out these blue discs. A dancer caught one and started spinning with it.
The scene changed again to Adam standing in front of Eve. She was on her knees in front of him eye on the golden glow. When the magic happened, Adam felt like king of the world and very victorious. Eve was just left on her knees asking if she could come come with him. The serpents tongue went inside and she did a bit later.
An interesting thing about this story is there was never another story where Adam and Eve arrived separately. What’s even more interesting is it came to me after I was reading about tantric sex and how men can have multiple orgasms too. I wanted directions on how to do that cause that would be pretty awesome but all I got was a one knight stand.
Been doing door dash, was having a lot of fun, got paid pretty well. Even got to deliver a few pizzas! That was pretty fun too.
Got blocked out from dash now. So decided to try Uber Eats yesterday. Pay is pretty lousy, as was the navigation. Something to do though, so guess I’m stuck there till something else opens up.
Signed up for GrubHub but got put on a waitlist.
It’s not you it’s me.
I’m surround by people playing war games everywhere. Online, in real life, doesn’t matter where really. In real life there’s darts and daggers flying everywhere. One switch could change so much of it and begin to heal some of their stories.
I’ve done this most of my life. It’s why I don’t hold on to hatred. But, too much of that is detrimental to mental health as well.
Here’s where I’m at this morning, not sure which is coming through, maybe all.
I know the abilities I have, even though I don’t know what I’m doing at the time.
I know how this part of the story ends and how the next chapter begins.
I know that’s my story on the FB page.
I know I wouldn’t need to scrape someone else’s cause I make up new ones every day, or maybe Im sharing someone else’s so they don’t have to. Regardless, mine is too beautiful for it to be an imitation.I also know that I love you, Brian.
So where does that leave me?
As a lady in waiting.Not sure how many stories we have to game out the scenarios for but I’ll keep running them till we reach whatever the end goal is. Some of them are pretty funny. I was laughing out loud in the bathtub yesterday thinking of all the different scenarios and life tie ins. Good thing nobody was home or they would have thought I was off my rocker.
You know what warmed my heart though? Thinking maybe I was helping you heal too. Then I remembered your post about the Matrix, and I was thinking I could play Trinity and you were Neo and I would catch you when you fall. Maybe we’ve been doing that for each other over the last year already. We both have the skills and I’ve had dreams of the catch, but instead of the release we held hands.
I healed my inner Brian last year with a rock solid foundation 🙂 When you’re inner Roxanne says you’re “allowed” to talk to the Real Roxanne, I’ll be there.
In the meantime, can we chill on the emotional roller coaster scenarios? My wrinkles are showing.
Hope you have a beautiful day.
Love always,
The CollectiveSome interesting things have been happening on occasion with the videos lately. Instead of pops for me it’s been pops that have been triggering at a scenario play through to see how I convert it then the person associated with it shows up.
A different kind of frozen movie popped the other day and it triggered some sort of sibling rivalry over who was “prettier”. I had to step back from it because I know that wasn’t how I’ve practiced reacting to things. It had an ice queen and a golden queen together. The ice queen tried to freeze the golden one but it didn’t work, she released her wings and they turned into birds that flew up to the clouds.
The line that was triggering was when the golden queen said your sister is going to have a more beautiful life than you. Or something of that sort. And then I got so excited. While I want to have the most amazing story ever, I want everyone else to be able to skip the hurtful parts if it’s possible. I know the healing can be painful at times, but some of it could have been avoided. And it made me so happy thinking some of the things I’ve done can make their journeys even better and brighter than I could imagine. Cause I do have a beautiful storyline in my head. If they took it and ran with it how fun that would be to watch. Might get some new fun ideas us too.
Which just reminded me of a Peterson video I watched. About the more educated minds there are the better off the world would be with them all contributing and working together. My version though of the high minds which bring along the lower mind. That’s who catches us when we fall too. Except it happens and crisis is adverted before it actually does.
I think I finally made it to 5!
him/her up top
her/her/him on the bottom
No wonder I have so many personalities! It’s like a pot luck dinner, you never know what you’re gonna get 🙂
Here’s what’s happening… I don’t know! 😀
I’ve had multiple dream sequences where I asked a question and let the movie play. That’s my problem solving technique. On occasion I watch it and can identify msgs. The ones with my family the only image I could was the first, and it had the focus on the pink hair. Then a bunch of images played through till I got a little bored of doing that and opened my eyes. So I don’t know if that was a download or upload to the grid. Either way I don’t know what they meant and couldn’t remember them all if I tried.
Here’s what I do know, bunch of them are reaching out. I’m doing touch and go’s with images and/or music, whatever pops and letting it be.
I was really worried about how everything was going to work without them getting the foundation training I got before I started but with all the bird work I think there’s a good chance everyone will be fine.
Oh! A relative told me today that her phone flipped her picture around today out of the blue. How awesome is that? She’s into witchy stuff too. Think I’ll add her to my magic group so she does more
I had quite a few red riding hood dreams too. Dropping breadcrumbs as I went. I think I mentioned them before.
The song that popped into my comments on it. Who’s the wolf?
School names would make sense as would that pic I posted earlier.
There’s only one time in my life I went crazy with rage in real life. That was when a rat killed my baby duck, Meep. Meep was a duckling I rescued from a critter assault, he was the only one of his siblings that survived. I took him everywhere with me, the tub, shower, the pool, walking around the house. He was getting bigger and my mom insisted that I started leaving him outside. It made me very sad he was still a baby. So I tried to build a shelter for him next to the pond with chicken wire around it so he’d be protected. His first night outside I put him into the pen. Noticed a little mound of dirt but didn’t think anything of it. Tucked him away and went to bed.
The next morning I went out to get him and see how he did and he was gone. Was calling him and calling him and nowhere to be found. Looked down, saw a bigger mound, so I climbed in the pen. Then I saw his little feet sticking out from under the house. The rat tunneled under the house, killed him and drug him under. It looked like when the witch was killed by the house in wizard of oz and only her feet stuck out.
I was fuming. Knew there was a similar mound by the rabbit house that was also sitting next to the bond. So I got a bucket and hoe. The house was sitting on a small hill that ran into the pond. So I started filling the bucket with water, going to the top of the hill behind the rabbit house and dumping the water in to flush it out. Took a bit but the water did work and on one of the dumps he came out and went into the pond. My sisters were outside watching me at this point.
That’s when I grabbed the hoe. No land mammal was staying in the water for long. He could swim though, under water too. So I just went around the water to wherever he popped up, which scarred him and he went back under. Till the last time. He went down and came right back up in the same spot.
That’s went I swung the hoe. and kept swinging it over and over again. I did end up covered in blood splatters, didn’t care. That rat was never going to hurt another one of my baby ducks.
My sisters were at first shocked by the scene. Mouths open just starring at me. Then they started making fun of me calling me Norman Bates then too. But, that was a real deal situation and I never got like that again.
I think I may be getting better at timing things together. I had a nice walk today, might do it again later. Was thinking about some comments and syncs that have been happening with my family.
My sister starting playing games on her phone with a bunch of other people. Some war game she found. She used to make fun of me for playing games all the time and it made me smile she started doing it too.
My mom also made comments that freaked me out. I had a couple of dreams about her, problem identifying/solving types. I think what I have been trying might be working.
Had a dream last night about Chloe. Been worried about her health a lot lately. She’s been having trouble with her leg, can’t walk very well anymore. She turns 14 in November.
The dream was we were in a bedroom and she was leaning against the bed shaking. I looked down at her side and on her rib cage was a large open wound. It was bluish in color, had flies in it, and some other sucking things attaching eating at it. I was crying in a panic trying to get everything off of her. Then the scene switched to her laying next to the wall going into convulsions. I was crying and hugging her but didn’t know what to do.
I still don’t know what the gameplay is but it made me cry thinking something might happen to her before you got meet the 3 of us.
My sisters new car and her window decorations! It’s called a Rocky Ridge Wrangler. How funny is that! 😀
https://x.com/RoxanneA/status/1711107363959136692?s=20
Just went to her FB page and this was her pinned post 😀 She gets upset that people call her weird all the time for her interests. I posted my costume and told her we were in it together.
Also talked about ego deaths briefly with her. Tried to repaint a couple stories. I would love to see her happy and smiling again and the broken bridges repaired.
I was going to write some of the details of my experiences a bit ago then my throat felt like it closed up. I started thinking about the forum set up, how it’s personal and shut down.
My sister then knocked on the door and wanted to chat for a bit. She was upset about some things that just happened. As she was talking I was seeing a lot the different lessons I learned in the beginning of it. She kept asking for my opinion but on the couple things I gave it she got more hostile so I wasn’t sure what to do so I just listened. But what was interesting about it was when she judged he judged x2, then she retaliated in kind. It escalated the entire discussion to a rage between both parties. So my concern is without the info in their mind like I had how do they fix it? If they go at each other like that they won’t have any love in their hearts just bitterness. Not a healthy situation
I read something that said “explain your anger don’t express it”. I’m going to have to try my problem solving technique to get an answer to it. Cause thinking of my own experiences I’ve tried explaining things to people and it generally either gets ignored or misunderstood. The situation gets prolonged, I give up trying to talk about it till I reach a snapping point. Not a healthy situation either.
I just had a great conversation with my aunt. She’s been very depressed lately over a lot of different family issues. This aunt helped raise me when my father died, she’s always been important to me, because I could talk to her about all kinds of things I was interested in. It always felt like she talked to me as an adult instead of a kid. The topics were usually esp stuff or spiritual books she was reading. We had one of those conversations today and it was great doing that again. She’s very into witchy stuff too. Lots of skills peaking through. I want to see her heal all of her sadness. That would be amazing for her, and her family too.
One interesting thing she said was that I hadn’t gone through the dark night of the soul yet because I had posted things about love. Made me smile cause I think I’ve gone through a bunch of them so far.
When she was leaving she gave me the biggest hug and said thank you for always listening and never judging me. I’ve been one of the few people she’s always been able to talk to about the things she’s interested in. Made me feel really good. Maybe I’ll be able to help her too.
