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I just panicked. I had this beautiful story in my head about what would be amazing, then some weird music popped and freaked me that I might be wrong.
But, I’m gonna say it anyway. I was thinking if it would be so incredible if we both went through the same/similar things almost at the same time. That would have made it all worth it. Would explain a lot of the miscommunications too.
I know you got a head start. But, I’m a fast learner and pretty dedicated to my practice schedule. So I could easily catch up and then brought you with me on an adventure to help shake out any bad juju you gathered along the way?
This week I’m doing a bunch of things to get my house in order.
Went to the dentist and got my teeth cleaned yesterday. Had to get X-rays too. I don’t really understand that procedure. I had to wear this big heavy blanket over my body to protect it but it was ok to zap the pictures and let the waves go through my brain?
Today I’m going to go find out about how to get a passport. Not sure it will get here before I leave but my mom or sister can mail it to me if needed.
Going to find out when I can get in to see the chiropractor. Haven’t had an adjustment in a year and a half and want to make sure everything is aligned. He also does this thing with magnets that clears out all negative emotions. He says it also clears out the negative energy sent by others. He calls them daggers that get lodged. So would be good for a fresh start.
Have an appointment to get my real ID so I can travel out of the country. I really want to go to Alaska and see what its like to see daylight all day. I’m still working on timing for that. I want it to be in the warmer weather. And here’s where I’m stuck. My first thought was target that for the longest day of the year and be there for June 21. Which just happens to be take your dog to work day. So I guess that settles that.
Here’s what happened: The log cabin dream of laying in each other’s arms seeing the Northern Lights. It makes me sad to think I have to experience that by myself. My heart wants that first to be real. I detached emotionally. Then said so far I’ve had to experience everything by myself maybe I have to do that too in order for us to be able to be together. I would have to target by the beginning of May to have some night and see the Northern Lights.
I cried typing that.
Earlier I was think of Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, and got a pretty good giggle.
How fun would it be to navigate South America all the way to Bitcoin Beach?
I’m gonna have to think on this one a bit.
Help me identify the threat please. I was in the tub and had an image flash
I was a white rabbit hoping through this big green field. A large wolf or dog ran up and grabbed me by the neck. Detached from the bunny so I was looking at the scene and it’s neck was snapped. Limp in it’s mouth.
Is this something I need to be worried about?
I woke up this morning pretty scared and heavily breathing from my dream. I was standing in the middle of a city square, but it was more like a big park with city blocks surrounding it. This big super powered monster landing, but it’s a different kind of monster kind of like a cartoon character but oversized. Head of a man in a glass sphere and a huge chest, incredibly tall but with thin legs. It chased me and I ran all around the square, in and out of buildings. Then I went by a building where Brian was and he saw it chasing me. He came out and raced after us. He was carrying this huge needle that had a very large canister. He leaped up towards it’s head and jammed the needle into the back of it’s neck, emptying the contents. I’m not sure if it was a tranq or killed it but the monster dropped.
I had a dream we were living together back in the beginning of it all. My office was in the bedroom and your’s was somewhere else in the house. We would play together online but when needed we call out in our real voices. The scene had me sitting at the computer with headphones on, then I took them off to hear you.
Which reminds me, did you know that you can pre-program your mind to orgasm off of an image flash?
Sometimes my dreams start sexually and then turn into a dream sequence that has nothing arousing about it. At first I was like “WTF dude” and would fight it. But then something super fun happened. An image flashed in my mind and I orgasmed instantly. It was super unexpected too cause the image wasn’t even something arousing. So now I let the movie roll however it wants cause I know I’ll have a happy ending one way or another. I learned that in Key West I think.
NM was a fun state to travel through. That was my hot spring tour. These little rituals popped up and they were fun, though not really consciously created. I just went into doing things in a kind of flow state. My aunt actually mentioned something similar the other day which was interesting.
Arizona, not really at the top of my list to go back to. For starters I was tired of seeing dirt, but the red rock was pretty. It’s also when I sent the invite for dinner for two which was ignored. Then the family photos popped.
I think that was that was the first time I actually got really mad. Not frustrated kind of mad, betrayal kind of mad. I couldn’t understand if you knew what I was doing and where I was going, why you wouldn’t tell me what was up before that.
So I did everything I could to set that aside. I still had my goal of getting my feet in the Pacific. So that became the focus. That’s also when the hatred of myself came again. I knew what I could do yet I allowed that to happen. I took that black and white picture to mean it was in the past and there it was.
I don’t remember when it got to the point where I was raging on myself, but it was an escalating thing as I travelled on.
Anyway, I already told the story about the meltdown so I’ve run out of things to talk about for now. Going to bed.
Not sure what this was supposed to be for but it’s cute.
https://x.com/RoxanneA/status/1712633298772447576?s=20
What did I learn from my experience?
When my plans involved anybody else it usually led to disappointment. My idea of fun and happiness isn’t the same as a lot of other people’s. For some, it’s not even on the agenda. I can relate to it though cause I was there for awhile myself.
Communication is key. Internally and externally. The people I met who I had a really good time with we worked it out together. Wanted to go to the same place same time. A few magical stories came out of that. Seems like that should be obvious but internally, communication plays a part too. The times I felt my gut tighten, didn’t work out the way I hoped. I probably should have stuck to my guns with what I wanted then we could have had a magical time. I def need more practice with that because I get to feeling like I need to compromise so both are happy. But I think I need to remember most aren’t happy in their lives so I shouldn’t. Weird one to navigate with others, needs more work.
My heart leads the way. Today is a good day to explore some magic. Just looked at the date and it made me giggle. Gonna find some place fun to explore.
Had a dream the other day which I think fits under the lessons learned. It was a short clip. The whole scene and everything in it was in a yellowy golden color. I was walking through a field with all kinds of darts and arrows flying around.
It got me thinking about detachment. My ability to detach myself from all emotions and situations I think has helped me a lot. It’s been a good self defense mechanism. But it doesn’t help with making magic happen. The heart has to be involved for the magic to unfold.
I’ve read a lot of people striving for that to be their constant state of being. Some people teach that that’s all that enlightenment is. I think of it as a tool to stop from being overwhelmed or drowned in negativity. Tap in then tap out.
I remember back in the beginning when I was going through some really emotional lessons I’d say Brian, I gotta tap out of this for awhile. Then I’d get up from the computer and go for a nice long walk and feel nothing. Then I’d go back to the PC and say “I’m ready, bring me back”. Then a post would come that warmed my heart.
I loved seeing that post today, got me all teary eyed. I was supposed to go there this weekend but plans got delayed till Nov because of expected bad weather.
It would be really beautiful if one day we got to see a lantern festival together.
I really don’t get my whole horror movie addiction when I was young. I was already afraid of the dark from when I was little, wouldn’t sleep by myself, always thought there was some sort of dark energy in my room. Then when I was around 9 and started renting blockbuster movies all I got was horror movies. I think I watched every single one that was available. Scared me even more but I still watched them anyway. Made my sisters watch them too.
I even rented the Exorcist on Easter weekend. We were in Catholic school at the time. My step sister and I came up with the game plan to make sure we paused the movie at 3pm to pray. We all got on our knees said some sort of prayer, then hit play.
I don’t think I was ever too scared to watch them until last year. I remember watching a movie that had to do with these kids that went to this school for problematic kids to learn their artistic skills and they became obsessed and started dieing from their obsession. The one girl burned the house down and escaped.
I haven’t watched any since. Not that I’ve watch TV except in passing at my moms or sisters house.
So to help me repaint this, I’m going to acknowledge that at the end of every horror movie there’s always a hero or heroine that saves the day. They end murderer, the curse, the plague, or the evil lurking in the darkness.
Part of me wants to watch the Hellraiser remake and see if I can see it with a different perspective on how those pins represent healing the pressure points. Still kind of afraid though.
I’ve talked with a ton of ladies about their long term relationships. All say same or similar, stale because they’re dissatisfied. It’s viewed just as a chore to service him. The sad part about that is it didn’t start that way. They were all very eager to please their guys. The problem, it wasn’t reciprocated in their relationships. Most ended though as both partners got bitter, it carried over to other areas, and then they drifted apart.
My mom had a big hangup with being married before sex. Used to say the guy won’t buy the cow if he gets the milk for free. While I see her point, and can acknowledge there’s truth to it, holding out doesn’t resolve any of the main issues. Guys just being after the score without acknowledging or understanding their partners needs is. Divorce rates and low birth rates show that fact. That’s how most of the pop culture agenda, and porn, depicts a woman’s role.
The stream of consciousness in that regard needs to change. While I haven’t gotten the details of what other women imagine, for me, no matter how many positions or things we try, we always finish together and he comes inside.
Guys would have a much, much, higher chance of keeping their Lilith if they cherished their Eve.Saw something in my feed earlier which made me smile. Some of the people got together that were previously afraid to, or said they were anyway. I was really happy to see that. Not sure if I had anything to do with that, but makes me happy to think so.
https://x.com/RoxanneA/status/1712553300594405470?s=20
Still hope one day a bunch of us can get together. Even the ones that stopped talking to me.
The crystal connection
So back to my trip. I didn’t decide to go to Texas till I was in St. Petersburg I believe it was. My best friend from high school invited me to come visit her. She wasn’t available till mid March though, so that’s how I ended making the loop de loop.
The visit there didn’t go as planned. The lunch dates I had with my gaming friends were ok, but my week stay wasn’t as I thought it would be. I was disappointed because I had planned my visit around her schedule, but I was pretty much ignored most of the time I was there. She also wanted to go out to bars whereas I wanted to sight see. She wanted to meet guys and I had no interest in doing that. I was already drunk on moonshine and had a cowboy to lasso.
I got a big kick out of drawing a lasso on the map on the way to Cadillac Ranch. And I totally nailed that car too! I hadn’t looked at a close up of it for a really long time. So that made me super happy when I was there.
I can’t tell you how many dance scenes took place there but I can tell you the back seat was smaller and lower than what I dreamt about.
I’m getting too many pops atm can’t keep up with them all.
One did stand out though. Today was the first time I saw a photo with the female in front of the guy. (which made me smile) One of my cousins. It’s his birthday. The video that popped was a mouse wearing a headband with yellow balls on top, eating a cucumber.
It did set off a chain reaction when I started looking up the symbolism. So Im gonna problem solve this one and find my fix.
Things were pretty bleak at that point. I may have been dangerously close to the point of no return. Again I don’t remember all the details but I remember laying in bed for hours, listening to a sink drip, on multiple occasions. Had a dream that I would be leaving the campground and that my only had to play was going back to my family. Didn’t want that I felt humiliated. Just wanted to go be by myself. I remember telling a story with pictures that with the guy that says “I don’t give a damn”. Though I didn’t know it at the time, that’s exactly what was happening. Didn’t trust the dreams, the messages, it was all bullshit. Remember a post Brian made about a monorail, in my mind confirming what I had been thinking. Then a bunch of things happened where I was sitting there and new the chain of events, drip ding ring and I just sat there then went back to bed. I remember having a dream which scared me into calling my sister. And I told her I thought something was wrong with me, then she asked what, and I didn’t want to tell her I thought I was losing my mind so I said Id call her back and hung up. I remember doing a picture chain which ended in “congratulations your an auntie”. Not long after my sister called and said they were on their way to get me and that’s how I ended up staying at my sisters house for a couple months.
I still don’t know why I had to go through all that. Only thing I’ve taken from it is that I hope nobody else has to experience it. Something so magical and beautiful shattered and crushed. Hated myself, left hating the experience. Waking up the pineal gland is not enough. It’s not justification for it.
A story about Adam, Lilith, and Eve
Lilith is the pleasure seeker
Eve is the Goddess with the eye on creation
The opening scene is a naked Adam standing with a snake sliding all over his body. She just wanted to make him feel good in every way possible and he enjoyed every bit of it.
The scene changed to two machines spitting out these blue discs. A dancer caught one and started spinning with it.
The scene changed again to Adam standing in front of Eve. She was on her knees in front of him eye on the golden glow. When the magic happened, Adam felt like king of the world and very victorious. Eve was just left on her knees asking if she could come come with him. The serpents tongue went inside and she did a bit later.
An interesting thing about this story is there was never another story where Adam and Eve arrived separately. What’s even more interesting is it came to me after I was reading about tantric sex and how men can have multiple orgasms too. I wanted directions on how to do that cause that would be pretty awesome but all I got was a one knight stand.
