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This was a funny email I just got. Is it true? For real talk, not bird chitter chatter.
Cause I have questions about shoes. I had trouble on my hikes. Had stuff go right through my sneakers into my foot. Cactus spikes hurt like hell too. I’ve found very few shoes I can plug in and play with. That was bird pop, as was that, but! I’m serious!
I gotta go shoe shopping before my next trick launches.
I’m in the process of doing some investigative research. My previous post got me thinking about some of my history. While I legit want to figure out better shoes for some of my walks, it did trigger a bit of fear.
Why fear? Cause in my experiences most guys aren’t gentle or considerate lovers. If they hurt you, it’s ignored. Having your cervix slammed repeatedly isn’t fun or enjoyable. I tried to call some gfs to find out their experiences but family around so couldn’t really give full details. I’m going to work on this more tomorrow cause there’s a couple of stories that go along with this but I want to find out if certain parts are just a me thing.
Parts are definitely me as I’m rolling through the memories but not all. Not sure how detailed I should be either. Gonna have to wait on it cause I’m getting sleepy now and it’s not flowing.
All lubed up.
I thought I had some major hormonal issues in this regard for the last couple years of my previous relationship. It didn’t start that way though. Everything worked as it was supposed to. Then things changed, it became a job instead of something to enjoy.
From what I remember I think the change may have began when we decided to try to have a baby. Went to a fertility clinic and got put on a schedule so we could time it correctly. The baby thing didn’t work out, but sex life went downhill from there. It never went back to a fun playful experience.
My mind was never on it, and nothing happened to warm it up. He want to just get into it, and the dry rub hurts. So now buying lubricants so we can have a sex life. Except, as time went by they weren’t working either. Literally felt like a knife going inside. No natural lubricant, no elasticity, and nothing but dread when it was time. Thought I needed some sort of medication to fix me, maybe hormone pills, probably should go to a doctor. Tried talking about it, complaining, all fell on deaf ears. So, I lost all interest.
In fact, last time we did it was at the very beginning of this process. Don’t remember how it started but knives going in, then a position where cervix slamming occurred. I was complaining that it hurts. It was ignored. And when he was done I was bleeding. That was it, I was done, and he was cut off.
Did he cause it? Dunno, I did get my period the next day. But, didn’t matter. It was all associated to a terrible sexual experience which had been going on for a couple years. That was just the straw that broke the camels back.
The dreams started a couple weeks after that.
And you know what? Things were working just fine again. Got excited, naturally wet for the first time in years. Then started thinking maybe I’m not broken after all.I was talking to my friend last night who had divorced her husband 10 years ago. She has absolutely no interest in men / relationships at all. Doesn’t want it, doesn’t care. Reminded me of the movie clip about the orgasm disappearing.
I asked her what turned her off and she mentioned a couple things but all revolved around how she was treated. One of the things that really upset her was being treated like what you see in a porn movie. Demeaning / degrading experiences, like wanting to finish on her face. The other was how he treated her all day, by being mean and screaming at her, then wanting it at night. Expected it like she was simply some sort of service tool.
I’ve been on receiving end of the verbal assault in previous relationships and had the same reaction. Turned off completely.
I’ve seen that play out online too. Posts pop that seem like that tone is angry. If they sync with something I said or was thinking about I take it that they angry with me.
The other day Brian made a post which synced with a few things. And I had that reaction. Then something cool happened. I was driving and thinking about it, taking it personally at first. Then it changed and I thought I have no idea what he’s angry about or if he’s angry, it’s just a post. But, how fun would it be if he was having a bad day I could make him feel better. Maybe he just needs a release to get things off his mind.
Then the laundry room scene unfolded. It was in my childhood home, which never has popped up before. I walked up looked him in his eyes, then turned around and bent over the washing machine. But that’s not how we did it. He wrapped his arms around me, and pulled me up and we did it in kind of like a standing spoon position. He was hugging me the whole time. I did wonder if I could orgasm in that position, but it really didn’t matter. He needed to let go of whatever was tearing him down inside.
Anyway, did make me laugh thinking maybe I could make a game of flipping any post that triggered me into a sexcapade. And how awesome that would be if it happened that way in real life for both partners!
I just remembered how it went down! It was this series of posts that was like a maze and Brian said you can’t win at this game on the space invaders post. I had just got done playing space invaders on an image chain in discord so wasn’t expecting it at all, thought he cheated and peeked. So I hit the cheat button and the owls popped up and I got some awesome tickle sauce.
I don’t care what anyone says, I have a pretty rockstar start of a story. I just have to wait for Brian to get piggy with it. Cause you know why? I can’t see without the connection. I’ve tried. Twice. First time I was down the shore and this weird Snow White movie played where I was shooing away everything to do it myself, and that just made me cry. The second time was not too long ago when I thought maybe the whole point of this is to do it by myself. That didn’t work either. Was just an image of a girl standing in pool looking out over the cosmos, and that’s all that happened. I waited for awhile then the scene changed to sitting on his lap and him inside, and vua la!
So I know it’s not supposed to be anybody else all the dreams said so. I also know it’s not supposed to be me by myself, cause that was full of fail. So we can play online till we are both ready to make it real.
I’m starting to plan my trip south. I definitely need some me time. I need to build back better 😀 I’ve lost a few stripes the last couple of months. Self confidence, self worth, even gained weight too. I don’t know what the funk was that I was in, it was some sort of depression but I was fighting it with everything I could.
I was thinking about Niagara Falls yesterday, it popped on my iPhone, and how I really enjoyed that adventure. Had a lot of fun there. The hurricane deck syncing up with the actual hurricane was pretty cool. I love when those surprises happen. Not that I want to see people or their property in danger just the fact that I’m oblivious to what’s going on and then get surprised.
Sometimes I get worried about that too though. I’m saying and doing stuff that in my eyes are unrelated to other people’s lives, but they could take that the wrong way because of the syncs. It’s happened to me repeatedly so it’s something I’m aware of but haven’t gotten past it entirely.
That issue happens a lot with my story. Something pops and I don’t want to post it cause I’m fearful of what that means and how what I’d like to see unfold gets turned into something else.
The scene in my head that plays is my inner child saying it should all be fun and a game to us. Just like the MuD only we act can act it out in real life. Then I see the monkey falling over laughing.
That’s how I treated all of my adventures starting in Florida and had a lot of fun. Lost it for awhile but I need to get back to doing that again.
I got logged out of the forums again. I always view that as me leveling up. there’s a bunch of posts in moderation still, that must mean we are still waiting on Brian to level up too 😀
I made my first reservation of my trip for Marco Island area. Great place to play Marco Polo. Ties in to the beginning echo as well. Im excited for that. Think of doing a Gulf Tour this time. Haven’t put my feet in the Gulf of Mexico so I may do that repeatedly in all different locations and positions. Might have to start stretching to get some practice in.
That’s not going to be my first stop though. Feeling a calling for Savannah. Haven’t figured out why yet working on it this week so I can get my route planned and reservations made.
The Yo-Yo diet issues are no joke. A big problem for a lot of women and it’s been a problem for me my whole life. Not tied to strictly intimate relationships either. Happened during career mishaps as well. Being told I can’t have kids. etc… I’m aware of it now and it’s tie to self worth and confidence.
Obviously can’t change the past but I can practice separating it out for the future. Not saying I want to be beat up in this area either! Happy thoughts and it will come to me, probably in my bed 😀 Could be the tub too but that’s not nearly as fun.
I just had an image flash in the shower. I was thinking about the reason for Savannah and it was me walking with a shopping basket in an open market. The display carts were all filled with these brown fruits. I took one and put it in my basket and kept going.
Which reminded me of the buzzy feeling I sometimes get when connecting with people on my travels. Doesn’t happen often, only 3 times that I can remember. 2 guys and 1 gal. All were married. It was an attraction, but not one I understood when I happened. My eyes did lock on and I was directing my conversation to that specific person but at the same time I was not interested in hook ups, and even if I was it certainly wouldn’t have been with a married couple or the gal for that matter.
When that happened I rode that wave and it passed then back to normal again. So I took that as a crystal connection and that I was reading something in their book that I was interested in. I might have just scored a new magic trick, or hot new destination!
Their reactions were all different too.
First guy, got super chatty and wanted to tell me everything about his travels.
Gal got super uncomfortable and left.
Second guy, thought he had some smooth moves and wanted to be my tour guide of the place. Got the cringy feeling and decided it was time to beat feet.Anyway, that’s pretty much how I viewed all the places I’ve been too. Reading lots of books of all the people that are around me. Even said the hills have eyes when I was visiting the mountains, taking in the echo of prior visitors.
And that works both ways. Those coming and those going.
Timing in the butterfly migration. The more places the more traces.
Learning and leaving your foot print.
And you know, that is something ALL women could benefit from knowing. Why does sex have to be so challenging and disappointing for them from the start? Some of things I’ve learned on fly really should be common knowledge.
Of course, I still have yet to practice IRL with someone but that’s another story.
The precise post was a funny one too.
It started with a finger from a certain black and white photo, going inside. Then I got on top and looked up at the this red galaxy type of thing in the universe. And couldn’t move from it! I tried to change the scene but it went right back. Locked and loaded. And that’s not the only thing that happened, the way I normally do it, didn’t work. That too had to be very precise and spot on.
So I’m wondering how that happened. An action, reaction? Mind control?
Funny stuff. I liked it though.
After some of the beginning dreams I started imagining us getting a shower together pretty regularly. One day I was talking to you and was asked you to see if you can make me orgasm right there in the shower without any stimulation at all. Didn’t happen, don’t know if its possible, but would be cool if it did.
The real tickle spot thing only happened twice and only on Brian’s posts. The first time was when I was down the shore. I can’t remember the post it happened on. The second was when I was back at my sisters on an owl post, they were cuddling and I got the tickle.
I was able to sneak on to door dash for a bit earlier this evening. My first delivery was to a house with goats. So gonna share my goat history 🙂
Was thinking about my goats. We moved to the farm when I was 12. We first got two pygmy goats, buttons and I forget the other’s name. But, we didn’t have two for long. Like the first or second day we had them one of my mom’s shepherds bit the head clean off when she stuck it out of the pen to eat the grass.
Then we got Vanessa so that Buttons would have company. Vanessa was a full sized all black goat. The dogs attacked Vanessa too. She got a huge hole in her leg, that got gang green. We were able to nurse her back to health. That’s when she became just like a dog and followed us everywhere. Somehow though she ate a trash bag which was suffocating her. We rushed her to the vet and they did emergency surgery to remove it, but she never woke up from the anesthesia.
We had to get a new pal for Buttons again and it just so happened that one of the people down the street were moving who also had goats, and they wanted to give them away. That’s when we got Ginger. A strawberry blonde full size goat.
Ginger started out ok, very friendly and a good playmate for Buttons. Then she started to get more and more aggressive. Every time we went in to feed her she’d ram us and try to get the food. She was worse than the cows at that point. Didn’t know what the heck was wrong with her or why she changed.
Then one day I went out to the barn. Walked into the stall and there she was with 2 baby goats. Ran into the house to ask my mom if she got new goats, she didn’t. I told her we had some now. And that’s how we ended up with 4. We never even knew she was pregnant!
I frequently say I’ve never worked so hard for a cuddle in my life. And I don’t mean the huggie face website kind. Real skin on skin contact.
I’m not new to online dating. Over the last 27 years I’ve had 5 relationships, all of which I met online. None worked out though because we wanted two different things.
That reminded me of back when this first started. I did say if you wanted my heart you had to go through my mind first.
Brian’s bombs away post popped.
Which is pretty funny.It wasn’t this exact picture but something similar happened. Every room, every position.
Shell shocked when I realized it months later.
I just panicked. I had this beautiful story in my head about what would be amazing, then some weird music popped and freaked me that I might be wrong.
But, I’m gonna say it anyway. I was thinking if it would be so incredible if we both went through the same/similar things almost at the same time. That would have made it all worth it. Would explain a lot of the miscommunications too.
I know you got a head start. But, I’m a fast learner and pretty dedicated to my practice schedule. So I could easily catch up and then brought you with me on an adventure to help shake out any bad juju you gathered along the way?
This week I’m doing a bunch of things to get my house in order.
Went to the dentist and got my teeth cleaned yesterday. Had to get X-rays too. I don’t really understand that procedure. I had to wear this big heavy blanket over my body to protect it but it was ok to zap the pictures and let the waves go through my brain?
Today I’m going to go find out about how to get a passport. Not sure it will get here before I leave but my mom or sister can mail it to me if needed.
Going to find out when I can get in to see the chiropractor. Haven’t had an adjustment in a year and a half and want to make sure everything is aligned. He also does this thing with magnets that clears out all negative emotions. He says it also clears out the negative energy sent by others. He calls them daggers that get lodged. So would be good for a fresh start.
Have an appointment to get my real ID so I can travel out of the country. I really want to go to Alaska and see what its like to see daylight all day. I’m still working on timing for that. I want it to be in the warmer weather. And here’s where I’m stuck. My first thought was target that for the longest day of the year and be there for June 21. Which just happens to be take your dog to work day. So I guess that settles that.
Here’s what happened: The log cabin dream of laying in each other’s arms seeing the Northern Lights. It makes me sad to think I have to experience that by myself. My heart wants that first to be real. I detached emotionally. Then said so far I’ve had to experience everything by myself maybe I have to do that too in order for us to be able to be together. I would have to target by the beginning of May to have some night and see the Northern Lights.
I cried typing that.
Earlier I was think of Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, and got a pretty good giggle.
How fun would it be to navigate South America all the way to Bitcoin Beach?
I’m gonna have to think on this one a bit.
Help me identify the threat please. I was in the tub and had an image flash
I was a white rabbit hoping through this big green field. A large wolf or dog ran up and grabbed me by the neck. Detached from the bunny so I was looking at the scene and it’s neck was snapped. Limp in it’s mouth.
Is this something I need to be worried about?
I woke up this morning pretty scared and heavily breathing from my dream. I was standing in the middle of a city square, but it was more like a big park with city blocks surrounding it. This big super powered monster landing, but it’s a different kind of monster kind of like a cartoon character but oversized. Head of a man in a glass sphere and a huge chest, incredibly tall but with thin legs. It chased me and I ran all around the square, in and out of buildings. Then I went by a building where Brian was and he saw it chasing me. He came out and raced after us. He was carrying this huge needle that had a very large canister. He leaped up towards it’s head and jammed the needle into the back of it’s neck, emptying the contents. I’m not sure if it was a tranq or killed it but the monster dropped.
I had a dream we were living together back in the beginning of it all. My office was in the bedroom and your’s was somewhere else in the house. We would play together online but when needed we call out in our real voices. The scene had me sitting at the computer with headphones on, then I took them off to hear you.
