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I didn’t hide under the bed but once that I can remember. Might have been about 6 yrs old, and I was playing on the steps at my grand parents house. I was getting in trouble for something. My nanny came up the steps to get me and I was scared and hit her to get away. Then I got more scared as her eyes lit up and I ran away up into the bedroom and hid under the bed. I was gonna be in big trouble and she couldn’t reach me there.
There’s a rather lengthy debate going on about Mambo vs Salsa in my ballroom dance group. My response:
“I feel like I just spent 20 minutes reading the reasons why the majority of people don’t take dance lessons and if they do, they just go to group classes and on their merry way”
Why are funerals such sad occasions if the people who say this actually believed it? Shouldn’t they be festive occasions? Like “they graduated from this life’s lessons!!”
Sure these kinds of messages help people get past their fear of dyeing so they can get on with living, but if they aren’t true? What happens?
I once watched a video of an actual Big Bang in the womb when the sperm meets the egg.
This morning was fun. 😀 I’ve been saying for the last couple days that I was stuck in my man brain and couldn’t get out of it. Wasn’t having fun but kept feeling like I had to type out the story. I’ve been wanting to bump up all the picture response but kept getting pulled back to tell it.
Thank you
I don’t go as fast as the little wiz. I like watching all the videos as I go, especially the new ones that’s pretty fun
My dreams last night reminded me of my relationship with Aaron, he was my fourth serious relationship. He was my first for a few things, and I was his. I did love that guy, and tried to figure out ways to save it. But, none worked. Became good friends with his mom too, I visited her when I was in Texas. Helped her find some of her family history, just happened by a place I happened to pick for us to go see. Which was some magical fun. She always calls me the one that got away. Which is odd, cause although I did break up with him, he left me emotionally first.
Anyway, he was the first, person I had cyber sex with in game. We had a long distance for the entire 3 years so it kept us together in between our visits. Which is a funny story in itself. We thought we were being slick, in our own secret hideaway. What we didn’t realize though is that my guild mates at the time were watching us as ghosts. In UO when you died, you could run around as a ghost, the other characters that were alive couldn’t see you, but you could read and see everything they did. I only found out they knew years later when another guy asked me out and got angry when I turned him down and threw it in my face. “You were cyber fucking some dude in your house and you won’t go on a date with me?” So I explained to him that he wasn’t “some dude” and that we were going together for 3 years. He just said Oh, and we never really spoke again.
Back to Aaron, when we met for real, I was the first person he had ever been with. And we had a ton of fun trying new things. I got to tell him everything I liked and how to do it. He’s also where I learned that if given a choice in between an exaggeration in length or width, I’d choose width. Most guys I’ve been with are average size though, but they still try have a sword fight in your vagina. Which sucks.
I guess it was around 2 years in when he quit gaming with me. He didn’t stop gaming though, he started playing some Anime type of games. Got really into the Japanese girls. I tried to play but he was off in his own world and the game play wasn’t very fun so I quit. We ended up just on a phone call at night, tried phone sex a few times but wasn’t an immersive experience, for me any way. So that didn’t last very long.
Eventually, we didn’t have much interaction at all and we split.
As for the dreams they were of a 3 way, but not the kind you usually see. They were sexual and enjoyable but for educational purposes. Kind of hard to explain but it reminded me of when Father’s brought their sons to a prostitute to lose their virginity but it wasn’t as cold as that. It was a bonding and loving experience. The dreams are blending together so I can only remember parts of them outside of the general theme.
Dream 1 – Brian was showing the little guy how to please a woman with his fingers, on me of course. The little wiz was smiling looking up at him. We had our alone time too where we got enjoy each other. Started with us watching each other warm up touching ourselves, then we moved to kind of a lazy dog position for a bit. We finished with him laying on his back, and I on his left side my head laying on his shoulder. I had asked if he’d let me watch and he did. After he came, I did too.
Second dream started kind of similar but then I took over saying I wanted to be his first. I showed him in a few different positions. I did get on my knees at one point, like a doggy style, but curled myself in a ball with my head to my knees, didn’t see anything happening beyond that in that position. Then the final scene we were all back together again on the bed. I was on my back, and Brian was using his fingers to stimulate me, and the little wiz was using his tongue, but it was a snakes tongue and I orgasmed when it went inside.
Was pretty funny when the first picture that popped was of similar nature.
I got diagnosed with this in my early 20’s
Hidradenitis suppurativa (HS), also called acne inversus, is <b>a chronic inflammatory skin condition with lesions including deep-seated nodules and abscesses, draining tracts, and fibrotic scars</b>. These lesions most commonly occur in intertriginous areas and areas rich in apocrine glands.
It only happened on my left inner thigh/groin area. I did get some scars from it. Was worse if I shaved with a razor, so I switched to an electric trimmer and then I got less ingrown that way.
At the time it made me very self conscious about being intimate with anyone it also made me very self conscious about wearing my costumes for dancing because I would occasionally have a flare up that I thought people might be able to see. I did have one bf ask me if I used to shoot up in the beginning of our relationship. It upset me at the time because I had never done that kind of thing. I got past it though, we stayed together for 7 years. And I do understand why he asked that, drug use was in his history.
Haven’t had any major flare ups for years like I did when I was in my 20’s. Lately that area has been itchy though on occasion. I did have a thought cross my mind the other day that maybe it was like jock itch or something. I don’t have anything for that but did have an athlete’s foot lotion so tried it, didn’t do anything though.
The reason I thought it might be like jock itch is cause last year when I was all messed up in the head with the guy/girl thing, it was the first time I actually got a few black hairs under my chin! I’ve been trying to zap them with this at home laser hair removal device but don’t think it’s working, at least not yet anyway.
Sometimes I wonder if the people that keep have all these dream scenes about alien interactions are supposed to meet someone from another country and that’s how it’s being associated because of the news. I said a story similar to that last year with all the news coming out about the border crossings.
I had my share of aliens games too. First it started as thinking down the wrong path, then it transitioned to this other aspect of me that possessed me, then I made friends with it.
Just got back from lunch with a close friend of mine. We’ve been friends for I guess around 10 years. She worked with me at the real estate office for awhile. She also helped me through that ruff period when my bf at the time had the shift.
Anyway, got to chatting with her about a few things. She doesn’t openly discuss specifics that much so it was a bit of challenge to get the conversation to flow. She just said if she’s not woo’d she’s not in the mood. She gets home has her business mode on, wants to feel like a girl again, and the romance leading to making love. Otherwise it’s a no go. She’s engaged and she said the guy she’s with now is a hopeless romantic so it’s never been a problem. Oh, he also took dance lessons so he could take her dancing 😀 (two way street should fit here)
On the real estate front, not much different from the Jersey side. Philly office closed, moved her license but overall sales slow, she’s taking a much needed break from work.
Conversation did get a little puzzling though. I was talking about my thoughts on how the gov jerking around interest rates keeps the market in this stand off, and how if they used bitcoin a single gov couldn’t hurt their people/economies like that. Then at one point I peaked at my phone and Brian’s mosquito post popped and I said never realized hair offered protection like that. Showed her the video, she looked at it. Then after her comment was “you really need to find something to stimulate your brain”
Confused I asked her what she meant cause in my eyes I started a bunch of topics that I found mentally stimulating, and she said “I don’t know, I’m not you”
Our lunch date ended shortly thereafter.
You know, I’ve had a lot of issues with that over the years with friends. My mind sometimes goes off on a diff topic just pondering the meaning of something and people go on offense because of it. I wouldn’t say I get defensive, I just get confused, and occasionally take it personally but silently. The video was one. Another was when I was driving with my friend in Texas and there was a sign on the highway which had cars going 70+ mph, and the sign was of deer crossing. I just wondered what provoked them to put the sign there since drivers would be flying by it, probably not notice it, and still hit the deer if they crossed. My friend thought it was a ridiculous question to have. Not that I thought she’d have an answer, but she thought it was ridiculous and laughed and ridiculed me a bit.
I get that it’s a reflection of them not me or something. Maybe.
It does bring back memories of why I just kept most things to myself. I still do keep a lot cause I get tired of typing things out.
But it also reminded me of why I ended up following Brian. So many different topics to read. Then later things to choose from for my stories. Granted, I’m limited in seeing and making the choice myself because I don’t see everything and wait for what pops. Though lately I’ve been seeing a lot more but not usually ready with pictures to post, so it probably works out the same way.
Alright so here’s where I’m at this morning. Feeling very conflicted.
Back when I visited one of my crystal friends the story they told me was this: They’ve been through the heart felt love 4 times. They hooked up with them each time and it didn’t work out. She didn’t give names, just numbers. I got very confused hearing the story because I couldn’t keep the numbers straight. I learned the path I didn’t want to take. I told her my story, and how I was waiting cause that’s where my heart was. She said she learned what dedication was.
So fast forward to today and a week or so ago. There’s a little wizard tingling my heart strings. The first time it happened I believed it was Brian that finally decided to come play with me and was so excited. Then I shared a post about being in disguise. Then my heart sank and I got sick to my stomach and wanted to throw up. What I realized was that eventually there could be a lot of people with the same skills as Brian and if it wasn’t the real him that would be an awful thing to do to both of us. Even if it was an innocent mistake.
Then I moved to a trust myself state of mind, and that I wouldn’t betray myself. No kiddie diddling though. That’s off limits.
So I’ve been running with that thought and it’s fine to play and don’t let it exceed that.
Heart tugs the last couple of days and I’m feeling very guarded. Then I started questioning if it was him again. I know I’ve done weird shit in the past, like the guy with the name Brian King. I don’t want anyone else, except I don’t know for sure if he wants the same thing.
I know he’s been with me the whole time even if it’s not completely obvious. I also know he’s forwarded some of my ideas to others. The soulless comment struck a chord, and I felt bad. (though I still think it could have been prevented)
So I have been revisiting my thoughts on the FB picture spread. A possibility is that he was picturing a lot of his beginning which was my beginning which would be our beginning. Just like I reenacted my dreams in all my pictures. So they would be the same, but different. He went first. He was aware of his skills long before I was, and one of the smartest guys I ever met.
So if that’s the case, there’s still a few questions. Who is she? Still unanswered. I’ve gone through a lot of BW pictures and I don’t have the same reaction to all of them so I know my feelings change based on what I see in the moment. I think my first reaction is still correct, she’s from the past. I keep landing on a very good friend.
Is she your wife? I’m going to say no. The entire time I’ve been saying if he’s married why isn’t she here helping him. Even at feeling my worst and hating myself, I still tried to help you when I emotionally could because she wasn’t. But at the end of the day, I don’t think you’d marry someone who didn’t have first the understanding of the spiritual realm, and second that didn’t have similar goals, and third use their gifts to be a good partner.
I may not understand a lot of this but I don’t know this much, my life and my heart. When I thought of someone getting hurt like that and had that panic attack, the only thing that got me through it is saying “That’s not me” over and over again. That would also mean, that’s not us. Interchangeable parts.
Am I projecting me onto you? Maybe, or of course. I don’t think I would have put myself through all this unless I found someone who could reflect it and protect it.
Did curiosity kill the cat? Did for me for a little while anyway. But it came back at the first signs of hope again.
As to the dms, do I think you’ve read them? Absolutely. Why? Cause if I were a scientist I would for starters. And second, cause I know they get emailed so even if you didn’t look on twit they were delivered directly to your inbox.
So as to the little wiz, just a passing playmate or a fresh start to my Momma Mia musical for the role of #4?
Am I projecting me onto you? Maybe, or of course. I don’t think I would have put myself through all this unless I found someone who could reflect it and protect it.
That would work both ways.
So my new love note:
Dear Brian,
If that’s you hiding under that little wiz disguise, send me a copy of my first DM to you.Love always,
RoxanneAlright, so, that Little Miss Muffet tale, it’s not mine.
I’m not afraid of spiders. I might get freaked if one lands on me, but that’s about it. I’ve always been the kind of person that saves them. My last bf and I used to get in arguments when we found one in the house. I’d go to rescue it and take it outside, and he’d smash it.
I had two dreams about a spider too. Not sure if I told them or not, I’ve written so much I forget what I wrote before. (That also stops me from posting at times cause I’m not sure if I’m repeating myself)
The first dream I was in some sort of a gov command center, which I did take pictures to duplicate when I went to see the moon landing command center. But in the dream I was sitting in a desk there watching the screens up top and on everyone’s desk. Saw a spider in a web in the corner with a little black spider in it.
2nd dream had the same exact set up, except this time, the spider went into a hole that was behind the web and I followed it. That’s where that dream ended.
For a bit there I did wonder if it was a gov project because of some of Brian’s posts and those dreams.
Toxic attachments – Has never really been my thing either. I’ve always been a live and let live kind of person. In all my relationships I always had my own thing and they had theirs. Consistent theme happened though, we never found or stuck with the things that could let us play and have fun together. The gamers I dated even quit once we got together which I totally didn’t understand since that’s how we met.
Not really a jealous type either. I was always cool with them going and doing their guys weekend trips or nights out together. Unless my spidey sense got tingling. On my second serious relationship that happened.
We had been going together a couple years, even were living together in my first apartment. He had stayed in contact in with ex-gf who he dated in college. I was always fine with it. Then one night he told me he was going to go visit his cousin in PA. Wasn’t sitting right. So I said Ok, have a good time and off he went.
That’s when I called my cousin to go on a roadtrip with me. I looked up his ex-gfs address. When my cousin got there, we drove down the shore to her home. I parked in front of her house, walked up to the front door and could see the two of them cuddled on the sofa watching TV. So I knocked on the door.
Few minutes later the garage door opened so I walked around the side of the house and the two of them came out. She was carrying a shot gun and started screaming get off my property. So I walked to the end of the driveway, they followed, and asked him why he lied to me. She was still carrying on, I told her I was off her property and she could stop. And directed my conversation back to him, and said I’d see him at home.
We worked things out for a bit after that stunt. But, then it happened again. He took a job down in AC so he had to be there every weekend to do the shows. Then on one weekend he told me something about the show schedule rotating and he had to go down Friday. The schedule did change so that wouldn’t have been out of the norm. But, didn’t sit right. So he left, I waited for awhile till it was show set -up time then called. The guy said “No show tonight”.
I was pretty hurt by that. Cried the entire time I packed his stuff in trash bags. Cried the whole way to his moms house the next day too where I dropped them off. Then when I got back home, I called him at the show, the night it was actually running, and told him not to come back.
That was the end of that.
As for Jealousy, I’ve really only experienced that with a couple relationships. And it wasn’t on my end.
Serious relation #3 was the one I married. And it was jealous of everything. Tried to control everything I did. Got mad if I spent too much time on the phone with my family and fought with me over that, the money I spent, and over me traveling to dance, as well as teaching it. Every penny I spent, even though I earned it with my own job had to accounted for. “No wife of mine will…. ” his favorite line after we got married and those words were never uttered before hand.
In fact, had a dream last night about mission impossible, the movie. I was in it for two simple scenes. First I played Tom Cruise’s wife., we just sat next to each other. Second scene I was a little girl, following behind him. And just said “Dad, the team got iced”. That triggered me remembering the mission impossible tape Dave put in my car. I was on my way to a competition and when he left a tape in my car which had a voice over saying Your mission, should you choose to accept, is to win the Baltimore Washington Championships, with the music playing in the background. Was really a beautiful surprise, gave me a huge smile. So did all the roses around the roses everywhere in the house when we won another.
That was the before marriage. The jealousy was after.
He was also the only person I ever cheated on. I felt like I was being strangled in all directions with him. Had the second problem of talking to my family and being told your married now you have to compromise to build a life together. So giving up and giving away more and more parts of me.
I was pretty into gaming at the time. I had a friend who I talked to about it who lived in Texas at the time. He was the only shoulder I had to cry on during it. After about 6 months into the marriage I decided I wanted to see him. I think I first I had him come into to town to visit. Then I decided to go visit a friend of mine and see him same time.
It wasn’t affair for long though. When I got back from my getaway weekend Dave had found out that I was visiting a guy while there, said he read the msgs. Started screaming at me, calling me a whore, telling me the list of things I “now had to do” , I really don’t recall much of it other than when he finally stopped and asked me what I had to say, it was just ” I want a divorce”.
Took another 30 days for him to get out of the house but that’s how it ended. And the stalking started, but that ended quick once I got my step father involved.
The affair turned into serious relationship #4. But it was long distance. We could only see each other maybe a weekend every 3-4 months or so, but we gamed together every day for awhile. After about 2 years he quit gaming with me, and then what was left wasn’t enough. Either I had to move or he had to, and neither of us wanted to so that’s how that ended. We were together for about 3 years.
Serious relationship #5 – This one was the first guy I dated from my gaming guild. I met him right after I joined the Undead Lords. As soon as I joined I started organizing get togethers and that’s how we met and started hanging together. He was married though. I don’t remember why I didn’t care at the time, but I didn’t. When he could get away we’d go on out on dates and we had a lot of fun both in game and in person. He did decide to get a divorce and we eventually moved in together.
The problems started with the other family members. He had a son, though he liked me never really bonded with me. His parents somehow got it in their head I was after their money, which also didn’t make sense. I was living on my own, had my own job, and came from a decently wealthy family already. As soon as we moved in together, he also stopped gaming.
So what ended up happening was I gave up gaming for a bit so we could spend time together in evenings. We’d be busy with work most of the week, then on weekends he’d always be catering to his son, and I wasn’t included or involved in that. I did pick up gaming again to have something to do. We also had an accidental pregnancy which he wanted terminated, so I did. And that’s how I emotionally drifted from the relationship.
Strangest thing happened though when I said I wanted to break up. He had a total breakdown. I still don’t understand it. We barely spent any time together, never had engaging conversations, we didn’t even spend time on the weekends really because it was always he and his son’s planned activities.
Anyway, he had moved into his mom’s and still wanted to talk and work things out. So one night he picked me up to go for a drive. We went into Philly and he found a spot along the river. And that’s where he had a break down. His friend game him the idea that it was because we never got married. So he proposed. The proposal was him having a complete emotional breakdown, then pinning me in the car seat yelling I can’t leave him. He had some sort of promise ring with him and said he’d get me a real one later. I was quite worried at that point, he was in a very volatile state of mind and we were alone in an empty parking lot. So I stayed quiet while he raged, then said ok and took the ring. He calmed down and I said I’d like to go home now and he took me home and dropped me off.
The next day he called and asked if we could see each other and I said no, and I didn’t want to get married. But, we could be friends and take it from there. So that’s what happened next. We would just meet out and go for walks. I then helped him find a incredible little place that was perfect for him and his son, right on the river because they loved to canoe. Just big enough for them and at the perfect price.
So, we stayed friends from a distance for about a year. During that time I met someone else from the gaming guild I had started talking with and had taking a liking to. The very first weekend I invited him to come visit, it was in the morning and I was in my pjs and Greg knocks on the door. Odd situation especially since he never showed up without making prior arrangements. So I walked outside and wouldn’t let him in. He got upset and asked if I had someone over and I said yes. He stormed away and I never heard from him again.
Did reach out though a couple years ago and ended up speaking with him, he started a contracting business for home repairs and I used him for a client. Went to use him for a second but he dropped the ball, so didn’t use him again. But, he was still living in that house, which made me happy.
Serious relationship #6 – The Artist
This relationship was one of the hardest for me emotionally. We were together for 7 years and our breakup was heartbreaking for me.
He came to visit a few times, he lived in Michigan. We really liked each other and started talking about plans for how we could be together. He was an incredible artist, and wanted to go to art school. I don’t recall the reasons why he didn’t do it right out of high school but he had ended up in factory jobs and hauling boxes for assembly lines.
So he decided he’d move to come live with me and go to art school in Philadelphia. We did have a rocky start, when he got there it was summer and school didn’t start till fall. First, pretty much on arrival he declared he’s done gaming for good. Then he didn’t want to work, and was just hanging out on pc all day and I start riding him about it. I was working carrying all the bills while he hung out and didn’t even play housewife. I had to do the cleaning too.
Anyway, arguments started getting heated and then he broke down one day and started crying and saying it isn’t what he wanted. I watched him for a bit then walked away. Came back and said let’s talk about it. We both explained our views and he agreed to get something even if it was the type of job he hated so he could contribute to the house and we got him enrolled in art school. I cosigned for his loans to get started in the fall.
Fall came school started and he loved it. Then he asked if he could quit his job so he could concentrate on his school projects. He had enrolled to get a degree in visual arts and motion graphics and to make the videos took a lot of time. I said ok, and he did. He was really good at it too.
As for the relationship, we had amazing conversations. He was incredibly smart, he knew a lot of stuff about a lot of things and I always loved hearing it. That’s what kept us together for as long as it did. We could always find something fun to chat about. Though admittedly, I never really opened up much, wasn’t personal conversations was about everything and anything outside of that. Sex life was probably one of the worse. That’s when toys got added to the mix, had to regularly take care of myself. He had a lot of hangups about women’s bodies, which was really odd to me cause he loved watching girl on girl porn.
He graduated school in 2008 and the economy tanked. He had trouble finding a job and ended up taking something where the company just took advantage of him just so he could start building a resume. That got him very depressed and started him becoming very reclusive. Financially he was strapped, couldn’t contribute or even cover his school bills, so I still was supporting us. He spent a lot of time in the room he used as an office while I was downstairs gaming. He did spend a lot of time watching conspiracy theory things and would come down tell me about it, then go back to his room.
I guess it was in 2010 when he started saying he kept seeing 11’s and that when on for a few months. Then on Jan 1, 2011 his father died. He was really close to his father and that devastated him. He had a lot of bitterness towards his mom. But, she was now widowed and had no clue how to handle any of the debt they had. So I told him we had to help her until she could get on her feet. So we moved her in with us.
Well, that made a bad situation worse. Now, he was angry daily with her and stayed in his room constantly. We barely talked anymore because he was avoiding all interactions. Then we had a wedding to go to for my family and he wouldn’t talk to anyone. On the ride home we started arguing, I was saying how he should at least have some common courtesy and say hello to people. His only response was that he thought he wasn’t meant for me and that I’d do better with someone who enjoyed being around people.
That the night when the change happened. The next morning he started telling me these stories of why he stopped talking to my family. Events that happened at party where they all made fun of him. The problem was it wasn’t adding up, cause I was there and it didn’t happen. So as he was telling me I thought maybe I just missed it. So I started calling different family members asking if they remembered a situation occurring, none did.
Then they kept escalating. It went from a group making fun of him, to just one person targeting him and it was my sister. The stories went from her raping him, to she had his son, and murdered his dad so she could be in the movies he was making. And that’s how all different people in associated with my sister got added in, one did the hit, another paid for it, others knew and were in on it, and then her ex husband was coming to try to kill him. He became very paranoid, creeping around peaking out windows, built a look out fort on top of my neighbors shed out of cardboard. Luckily they were at work and didn’t see it.
Anyway, my real estate friend is the one that helped me through all that. He wasn’t sleeping and on watch every night. His mom’s only idea was to give him sex and let him sleep it off so I tried that too, what he regularly asked for and I never let him have. Didn’t stop it though. We didn’t have any other ideas except to get the county involved because his paranoia was getting worse every day.
So I went with her to police station and asked for help. They kept me there for about 2 hours interviewing me. I was telling them all the stories about my sister raping him, that he thought she killed his dad. I think they thought I had lost it and probably evaluating me. Eventually they did agree to get the county involved. The guy came and went to the house to interview him, and then they took him to the hospital.
We dropped him off and I just went home to sleep. His mom got mad at me and said she was going back to keep him company. I said ok you do that and I went to bed cause I had barely gotten any sleep for days too.
He was in the psyche ward for about 2 days and was calling asking to come home. I went with his mom to visit and he was pleading, so I said ok. He calmed down after that, he would only take a very mild sedative from the hospital even though they diagnosed him as bi-polar. He was very against the medical industry and their prescription plans. Probably got that from all the Alex Jones stuff he watched.
He lost his job in the breakdown process too. He was going into work telling all the stories and they told him to take a break. But, about 30 days after being home he got a hit on his resume. A movie company wanted him to come in for an interview. I told him not to say anything about the stories and keep his cool. He did, and he got the job. He finally had a decent income and could pay his bills.
I’m having trouble remembering the timing of the next part but I spent a good amount of time, maybe a year or so, trying to help him get over his depression. Had him going on lots of walks, spending time in the sunshine, taking vitamins. I thought it was working to an extent, he stopped talking about the stories but still stayed very reclusive. So now I was going on a downward trek mentally. Daily scything there’s got to be more to life than this. He wasn’t the same person I met, I was just staying inside with him all the time, and his mom got on her feet and started acting up. She had finally gotten her finances in order and I guess decided she didn’t need to be respectful anymore, and turned bossy and demanding,
So what happened next? 2 cuts.
Cut 1: I had promised her very early on that if the living arrangements needed to change we’d work out together and would never just put her out on the street. And that’s exactly what happened.
The final straw with her was when I was on the phone with a title company for a transaction I was working on. I had gone outside to talk to them because she was being very noisy. While I was on the phone with the title company, she decided it was an ideal time to come complain about my niece and nephew who came every Friday to visit. They loved her and would go running upstairs to see her every time. Apparently she didn’t like that. She interrupted my business call to tell me I needed to find something to do with them other than let them run around the house and disturb her. I should take them out and not let them in her room.
Then she proceeded to tell me how I needed to figure out dinner for them as well. She wasn’t cooking it. She took over the cooking in the beginning because she didn’t like mine, which was fine, wasn’t a huge fan of it anyway. Now it was being used as a weapon? Ok.
My only response to her at the time, “I’m on the phone”
That night, the kids came over as usual and I ordered pizza and didn’t take them anywhere. When Rich got home I sat outside and said, your mom has to go. Time for her to get her own place, which I think he was actually really happy about. Took a few months for a place to open up, she asked me if that’s ok, and I was fine with it, and she didn’t make any more demands while she was there.
She got a one bedroom apartment with den that she intended to use as a sewing room. While we were waiting for that Rich had gotten his finances back in order and now was caught up and just sitting on his money letting me still pay for everything. So we had to have that conversation to get him to start helping which he wasn’t happy about.
When she moved into her apartment was around the same time I had to start working with my mom after work to help get the ballroom dance competition we ran set up which took a ton of time. Almost like working 2 full time jobs for about a month and a half. I was exhausted and he wasn’t helping at home , I was doing the cooking and cleaning too while he stayed in his room.
What caused cut 2? Coffee, funny enough. I woke up in the morning and there was none. He drank the last of it over night, cause that’s what he did every night. Stayed up drinking coffee, reading websites, when I went to bed. He left me with nothing that morning. He went to work and I stewed on it all day. And that’s when I decided I was done.
He got home from work, he had had a really bad day too. He was ranting about it, I didn’t care. When there was a pause, I just told him I want out.
We both spent the weekend crying and packing his stuff. He kept asking if I was sure I wanted that, I kept saying yes. He was saying stuff like it was the best relationship he ever had and we’re just like a married couple. I just said, we’re not. He tried one last time on while loading up his car. Are you sure you want this? If I leave I’m not coming back. I just answered Yes. He moved into his mom’s place in her den.
Before I got into my next relationship I had a bit of me time to recoup and get myself used to being me again. During that time my family members were telling me that I needed to stop finding guys that needed me to “fix” them.
For reference to what they were saying:
With Dave, the guy I married, when we first met he was working at Lockheed Martin as part of the satellite assembly line. He was a pretty smart guy but the pay here was minimal. At the time pcs were coming heavily into the scene and there was a big demand for networking specialists. He loved toying around with them and linking stuff together so I suggested he go learn that. He did, and he went from a 35k paying job to 80k, hired by being recommended by the teacher so he started as soon as he graduated.
He was heavily in debt when we got married, so outside of the honey moon money we needed, I took everything else and payed it all off. It wasn’t for “him” per se’ it was for us to be able to have a clean slate.
With Greg, when we first me he worked for a graveyard as the site digger. He’d prepare the ground for all burials. He had a very upbeat and lively personality, a people person. So when he moved into the area I gave him a recommendation for employment at Verizon, they were looking for ad salesmen. His income doubled with that move and he was very good at it. Every business he went into the owners always enjoyed chatting with him.
We also went into a rental property together. He was great at fixing things and I had just gotten into real estate so I found a good property at a good price that we could have a positive cash flow and we bought it together. That’s actually when his mom got involved and started calling me about being after her money. Was very strange. She was demanding answers, (to questions I don’t even remember), but my only response to her was that I don’t owe her an explanation for anything. What Greg and I do was between us. Funny thing about that, when we split, it wasn’t I that went after anything. He drained all the business accounts. I had drawn up a pretty thorough contract though, and told him to put every last cent back into the account or I would sue him for it. He did and we worked it out for him and his friend to buy me out of the property so they could keep it.
As for Rich, I gave a pretty detailed story already on it.
I thought about that for awhile earlier today and I don’t think I was fixing anything. I was being a good partner, helping where I could, and doing or making suggestions when things came up that I thought could improve our situation.
Nonetheless, back then I took their statements to heart and decided I needed to look for someone already established so I don’t go through that again.
Alright so, back on the dating scene I was again. I decided to stop dating gamers and try the online dating websites. Plenty of fish, OK Cupid, and Match.com.
Since I was done being a house recluse I decided I wanted someone who liked to go out and do stuff, had to have a fun personality that I could laugh with. Met Flavi on OK Cupid, after a couple of weeks. He was in the process of buying his first house in Philly.
When we met in person we hit it off right away. Had a great time, laughed and joked the whole evening. He was already established in his career path with revamping car electronics to the latest and greatest and I was set in mine. Two working professionals that enjoyed each other. Not much in terms of intellectual conversations like the previous, just fun.
Funny part with how we got started was he would always say he wasn’t looking for a committed relationship but wasn’t seeing anybody else. I hadn’t asked anything about our status, but just said OK. After a couple of times of that, I told him I haven’t asked you about our relationship, it’s fine how it is. After that he asked me to be his girlfriend officially. So I said OK. I mean, I already was. He talked to me multiple times a day and saw me on his days off so it was established.
So we saw each other on his only day off once a week for about 3 years. During that time he also went from being an employee to buying the company he worked for. He had worked for the lady that owned it for about 20 years, so very reliable and loyal. She gave him great deal on it. She wanted retire, she was in her 80’s and start to travel.
So around 3 years I told him I’d like to see him more. He was going to his mom’s ever night during the week for dinner then called me for a few minutes on before he fell asleep. He’d usually be so tired he’d fall asleep on the phone. So he came over a couple nights during the week and I got to see and talk to him while he was still awake, which was pretty enjoyable. Sometimes we’d make dinner together and sometimes I’d have a recipe I wanted to surprise him with when he got there.
So another 2 years of seeing each other that way. During that time I started thinking about how we were wasting money owning two homes and could consolidate and buy something that we could buy together. We spent a year just doing open houses if we saw something we wanted to check out. Would talk about what we liked and what we didn’t. But nothing really stood out enough that either of us fell in love with in our price range.
Then the log cabin got a price reduction and popped into our price range. I had loved the look of log cabins since the beginning of my Unusual Sights page. Some of the pages I had made friends with were all country or mountain style pages and I would share them and they’d share me.
Anyway, so we went to see it and I was in love. Had the land we talked about, the layout was perfect so we could plant all the trees he wanted (he was very into being in the woods) and lots of open land that could get full sun for the permaculture garden I wanted to grow. Not only that, it had a full mother in law suite so when the time came we could take care of his mom but she’d have her own space cause she was very challenging to spend a lot of time with. He was her only child, so there wasn’t another to handle it. I already knew how close quarters worked out with inlaws. He felt obligated to spend a lot of time with her because of his history but got aggravated and I’d just get quiet and go do something else. Bossy/demanding kind of gal.
Back to house… everything I dreamed of for my garden of eden. I was even going to get a sign to say that. We got into a bidding war and ended up winning eventually. They won first then got tied up with attorneys. While they were negotiating for weeks I took him out house shopping again with a full list of homes we could compare it too. So he wouldn’t pay their price during first round but after we compared the price they were asking to what he could get in any other home. He got angry he lost it.
So about 3 weeks into their contract I called because it was still in attorney review. They hadn’t come to an agreement. I went back to Flavi and told him we could snag it if we gave them their money. He came up, and I waved my commission and we won.
Home sweet home. I was so excited. So many plans in my head of how I could do all the gardens outside I couldn’t wait for settlement.
This morning I messaged my niece and told her that I found out something cool. Your higher self communicates your dreams to others. The person that’s supposed to help you with your awakening will have already received them. Then I asked her if she’s been doing the active imagination technique. Outside of the first time with me she hasn’t mentioned it. I told her they build your awakening story. She may not understand the dreams/images she sees now, but eventually they all come to light.
Also told her that not only do they do that, they help you heal and unlock your heart. So she doesn’t have to be afraid when it happens that they’ve seen what she’s seen.
Told her other people’s higher selves might skim off some of the signals too, and that’s how the syncs happen.
All lubed up.
I thought I had some major hormonal issues in this regard for the last couple years of my previous relationship. It didn’t start that way though. Everything worked as it was supposed to. Then things changed, it became a job instead of something to enjoy.
From what I remember I think the change may have began when we decided to try to have a baby. Went to a fertility clinic and got put on a schedule so we could time it correctly. The baby thing didn’t work out, but sex life went downhill from there. It never went back to a fun playful experience.
My mind was never on it, and nothing happened to warm it up. He want to just get into it, and the dry rub hurts. So now buying lubricants so we can have a sex life. Except, as time went by they weren’t working either. Literally felt like a knife going inside. No natural lubricant, no elasticity, and nothing but dread when it was time. Thought I needed some sort of medication to fix me, maybe hormone pills, probably should go to a doctor. Tried talking about it, complaining, all fell on deaf ears. So, I lost all interest.
In fact, last time we did it was at the very beginning of this process. Don’t remember how it started but knives going in, then a position where cervix slamming occurred. I was complaining that it hurts. It was ignored. And when he was done I was bleeding. That was it, I was done, and he was cut off.
Did he cause it? Dunno, I did get my period the next day. But, didn’t matter. It was all associated to a terrible sexual experience which had been going on for a couple years. That was just the straw that broke the camels back.
The dreams started a couple weeks after that.
And you know what? Things were working just fine again. Got excited, naturally wet for the first time in years. Then started thinking maybe I’m not broken after all.
