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The case of the disappearing ring
A lot of weird stuff happened in the beginning regarding the significant other that I can’t explain.
I remember when I first started following you, you mentioned being married. But it didn’t come back into the picture at all till it was close to the time I was leaving.
When the picture I asked for popped up, I remember checking everything out. Even checked to see if there was a wedding ring, none was there and I was so happy. That’s when the sea dream first happened.
I remember listing to the podcast a couple times and never heard anything about a wife until then. I listened to it again, and then the first part played and I heard it. Right in the beginning. Somehow it never started there? No idea. I had even spent one morning with you listening to it and talking to you and crying about things the things that triggered me in it, and you posted responses to me about emotions and how to handle them.
Im feeling very sad at the moment.
So I think I remember what triggered the collapse.
You were doing your tour of the Philadelphia area. And I was watching the pictures being posted of places all around me. I couldn’t understand why you weren’t reaching out. Then a picture popped of Independence Hall, and it had a clock with the time at 4:22. So I had thought you were telling me when and where to meet you. So the next day I went and was there at that exact time. I waited awhile. Checked twitter and nothing. So decided to go wait in the bar that was on the corner. I had a drink and was telling in you my head where I was.
Then two pictures popped up. One for the circle “imagine” and then one that you were at a different location in the city. I did get angry for a short bit and said something like How about you imagine I was chasing you around the city and ordered a 2nd drink.
Then I got sad and started talking to you again. I was telling you regardless of what the dreams were, and how off my rocker I seemed, if we actually sat down to talk it would have been a normal conversation. I genuinely wanted to understand what was happening to me.
I left the bar and stood at the hydrengias in the garden across the street. Started wondering what the point of this was. Then decided it must be another lesson of some sort. Then decided I was going to find the beauty in everything while I was there. So I started walking around, looking at all the flowers in people’s yards, and I heard music in the distance. So I followed it and there was a street performer doing Michael Jackson numbers in the park. He was fun to watch for a bit. Then I decided it was time to go home.
The next day you posted a picture of NY I think it was. Talking about your view. It had a woman’s hand in it with a ring. And then it all snowballed and I was going through everything to see how I missed it.
I spent a good amount of time freaked out by all of it after that. Thinking I was crazy after all. Debating if I should even go. Looked at the hand in the picture looked like a heavier woman, then looked at my favorite picture and there were legs of a heavier woman in that picture too. Now I was a mess.
I was in pretty bad shape emotionally about it. Couldn’t understand any of the experiences I was haven’t or what the point was. Things just kept getting worse as far as Homelife went too.
Then something changed. I decided there still had to be a reason we were brought together for this. I figured if he had a heavier wife he’d still like me too. Then the dream with the smiling guy and his son on the balloon going up happened. I did decide that I had to leave for me, take care of me first and put myself back together. Then the dream with the two egg cells that were connected happened, and I giggled myself through the remaining days till I left for my summer at the shore.
During those last couple weeks I was still having visualizations of different scenes and animals playing.
I remember one dream though where my inner child was laying there with her eyes closed and laughing saying “what if we did the same thing he did to us, that would be funny”. I never looked up the address just knew the general area from mentions.
That was the last time I thought about that dream scene till recently when I was wondering what I could have done to prevent the melt down when I got close to CA. But now I don’t think keeping that in mind was emotionally possible. I did have my heart set on having a conversation to understand the process from more than just my perspective, and still hoped it would lead to something more. The pictures and dreams were conflicting and my mind couldn’t wrap my head around finding the beauty in the situation I was in.
I did eventually look up the address a few states away. I think that might have been when the Norman bates snap happened.
I do understand why I had the freak out down the shore now when I first saw the yearbook photo.
There’s a lot of fear around anal sex for some women, at least in the circles I was raised in. Infection, pain, carelessness by their partner. Compound that with a Catholic upbringing and what’s morally acceptable. What’s even discussed. Add to that society’s stance on what a female’s sexual behavior should be. It took quite a bit of work to get up the nerve to try. Discussing it openly has been a whole other ballgame.
The fear started pretty young too. Gotta wipe front to back, not back to front or you’ll get a vaginal infection.
Guys thinking they’re slick and trying without warm up or warning.
No double dipping or you’ll get an infection.
Mental blocks with it being an exit point, not entry.
Associations with anal sex and STDs. Not just cause of the one bf either. I was in the dance business starting at 14. I had a lot of gay friends. A good number of them died from AIDs. The negative conversations that swirled surrounding it, and the blame played a part.
Some of my gay friends would have discussions which would freak me out. I’d ask questions to my one partner and he said yeah it gets on there you just wipe it off. (yikes!) He stayed at my house for awhile. Slept around, a lot. Broke the bed in my spare bedroom doing some dude. So all these things were swirling in my head about it. Then he went to a fortune teller who told him a female was trying convert him. He asked if it was me. I was just like, no way! I know where that’s been. I probably hurt his feelings, but at the time my mind was a mess with everything surrounding it and my own experiences.
I had bi-sexual friends and took a hard line “no” stance.
Last year I was exposed to a lot of things that made me see it all differently. The trinity personality split was key for understanding that. The sun and the moon, which one is going to dominate and the mental battles that occur. That part was ruff, didn’t enjoy it, but don’t regret it. It opened my eyes to so much.
I do wish more people would speak freely about their experiences. But I also know, not everyone is in a circle that would be understanding and still love and support them. That makes me sad. We are in a situation with a lot of people that despise their moon or despise their sun. Enemies of themselves instead of loving all parts of the whole.
Oh, and more chicks need to be putting out. But that won’t happen until the guys start catering to their needs. Time for the batter to start buttering her up!
This morning was the first morning in the past couple of months that I didn’t wake up with back pain. My back pain didn’t exist my whole RV trip till recently.
I’ve had back issues since I was a kid. Would go to the chiropractor regularly to help fix it. It worked for a bit, but then would come back again. I even went last week to get realigned but that lasted a day and I was waking up sore again.
Read online its red, orange, and yellow chakras.
Hey Andrew!
I’m so happy you got the confidence to make your post. Let’s focus on green.
What are things you absolutely love to do for both avenues, work related and fun related? In my experience, I found that when I focused there, that’s when I felt the best and found things easiest.
This post won’t leave the top of my feed. I’ve already posted in it, twice. Posted in a comment too. So whatever it is I’m missing I don’t know what it is so Im posting it here too.
What should be sensitive, is how she’s treated. If a guy does that, most would be willing to try just about anything he’s interested in.
Scat porn is a no go.
I just remembered some Japanese videos I saw. They made me vomit.
That brought back some uncomfortable memories.
The guy I was with at the time wanted to try anal sex. We were trying E for the first time together if I remember correctly. We were staying at his parents mountain house in Washington state. Thought we could have some amazing sex while we were on it. Didn’t happen that way though.
He was on the thicker side of things and I was really afraid it would hurt. We decided to try with fingers first and I could relax and we’d go from there. We did use lube and a bit after he put his finger in he said something along the lines of there might be something in there. I was kind of horrified. So I ran to the bathroom, didn’t have to go, and nothing came out. Went back and we tried again, he said the same thing, so I went back again, nada. Tried again, repeat, so that time I just sat on the toilet determined to get whatever out. I was there for quite awhile and eventually got a tiny dime size bit out. Now my mind is all messed up about it.
So we got a shower and went back to the bed. But the anal part was game over. So we tried sex the normal way, but that wasn’t working either. I couldn’t get into it. Mind messed up and me on E didn’t work very well, it made me lose my energy and wasn’t enjoying any parts of it.
Then his mom showed up and that ended that.
I don’t remember exactly when he showed me the scat videos but I’m guessing my high self knew something was going on in the background that I wasn’t aware of and would not be into.
Was reading yesterday about the purity ball. I also like thinking it’s been and being saved for when it’s needed or appreciated the most.
I remembered another thing from that night while I was getting a bath.
He used to call me his little minx. Sometimes he’d tell me he was going turn me into a minx taco, wrap me up in blankets, then cuddle me.
That night on E, timing of it is a bit fuzzy, but I do remember him saying that, then wrapped me in blankets, and put me in his moms massage chair.
He then went and got his shotgun out and said he was going outside to hunt birds. It was night time, so no clue how he intended on finding them. But I do remember feeling very panicky inside.
Just making a note for some of the other things that came back today in case I forget to write about them.
– Vampire dream
– 2 rape dreams
– Fecal matter hangups
– I forgot the rest. Had a big ole list in my head and now it’s gone
I got me some smut to listen to! It was the top recommendation.
Been feeling like I’ve been spending way too much time on the pc typing out stuff and need some more exercise. So I got an audio book and pick up some earplugs yesterday and going to walk and listen to it.
I don’t recall buying any type of erotica, except the Vampire book did have a bit in it, but want to see what all the rave yesterday was about. Most of my books have been mystery, suspense, horror. Then I did go through a God phase. Now I’m going to see how my dreams line up with this stuff. Might pick up some new writing skills, maybe.
From a 2016 FB post
1st response:
This is actually perfect to prevent animal on animal violence. We should be more woke about violence in the aquatic community and the prejudice jellyfish face in a daily bases. I believe jellyfish are being targeted by sea turtles.2nd response:
This is dumb, a sea turtle would never be able to open either of the jarsAlright so thinking about this one made me a little angry. It’s one of the dreams I called a rape dream. Happened around 25. Here’s the thing, I’m not sure it could even be called a rape. I did make the mistake of using that term when I told it to my ex-husband at the time. Or maybe that wasn’t a mistake either.
The dream:
It was night time. I was walking into an alley that was dimly lit. There was a shadowy figure of man standing against the wall. I could see his face any details about him. I just walked by. Then he came up to me from behind, took hold of my arms and turned me around to face him. We made eye contact and I wasn’t afraid, just the opposite. I was very attracted to this man. He then backed me up and pinned me against the wall. We started to kiss and had very passionate sex against the wall.That’s all I remember of it, except that I could see my face but not his.
I told my husband that I think I had a fantasy about being raped. No details were given and no questions were asked.
In my head, a violent rape was not what I meant. He was definitely a stranger and the aggressor in this dream, but I didn’t try to get away. I wanted it. So I don’t know what that’s called.
From there the husband decided he was going to “fulfill” that rape fantasy. One night when I got home from work I went upstairs, as I was walking into the bedroom, he was hiding in the bathroom, came behind me, grabbed me and literally threw me on the bed. Then started tearing my blouse off.
I just got angry and started screaming to get away from me.He started trying to explain that he was just trying to give me what I wanted.
That wasn’t what I wanted, at all.
Alright, so Im not sure if you actually “heal” from this. He was just a nasty dude.
So the set up to this was me just making a comment that sometimes I like when he kisses me after he went down on me, so I could taste it on his lips.
That was all I said.
(I did just laugh and the anger lifted)Next time we are messing around, he does the topical stimulation like usual. Then he comes up and I think he’s going to kiss me. I go to kiss him and he spits this entire mouthful of saved up backwashed spit into my mouth.
So fucking gross.
— Roxanne Ardary 🌺 (@RoxanneA) October 27, 2023
This dream I felt very ashamed of when it happened. I was a teenager and exploring different sexual desires. I had this dream scene play out where, I assumed at the time, I was gang raped but again it wasn’t a violent scene.
The dream:
I was in the barn hayloft. There were a group of guys there and each one took their turn with me till the were satisfied. I wasn’t trying to escape, just let them do their thing, and then they’d get up and the next one would come on. I just remember laying on my back the whole time.When the movie finished I just shut it out of my mind. But, I realized earlier when I remembered it, it did play out that way. I had my Sex in the City days after the 2nd relationship. Dated people for a few weeks, or a few months. None of them worked out, nor were they sexually satisfying as I mentioned before.
Now, I think I was touching base or foreseeing the different people that were going to come and go in my life in the not too distant future.
I’m not sure what to call this one, I said it was a dream but it wasn’t. It happened when I was reading Anne Rice’s Vampire Chronicles. I was a teenager when I read it, had a big thing for vampires cause I was afraid of dyeing and wanted to live forever. I didn’t want to be bit though.
There was this scene in her book where this lady was really into the vampire and instead of biting her he would lick her menstruation blood. I got very aroused by reading that.
The vampire theme ran for all of my guild years.
And one dream of teeth with the astronaut .
The serpent and the tongue has been in quite a few different dreams.I’m not understanding the tie in with the teeth and serpents tongue and how it relates to this process cause I’m picturing them together.
I was thinking about the African tribes and how nudity was common place. So I decided to google rape in Africa, seems to have the most brutal rape statistics. I looked up the main religions, Islam, Christianity, and Judaism.
What exists? Rape and “corrective rape”. How’s that for a vicious circle?
