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“We shall not cease from exploration And the end of all our exploring Will be to arrive where we started And know the place for the first time.” ~T. S. Eliot
Always changing, always evolving, always leveling up.
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<div dir=”auto”>We live in a society where the logical side dominates almost every aspect of life. Allowing the creative side, the feminine energy, to. come to life and work in harmony with the logical mind takes a lot of practice.</div>
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<div dir=”auto”>Once you do, that’s when the magic happens.</div>
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It’s very difficult for me at times to revisit some of it. I get very very emotional if I allow all those feelings to resurface. I don’t like crying and I don’t like being sad. It’s like walking a tight rope. Hopes, dreams, expectations vs reality in the current moment.
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<div dir=”auto”>This is generally thought of as just hugging another individual.</div>
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<div dir=”auto”>It can also represent the acceptance and balancing of the male and female energies. Logical mind & creative.</div>
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If you haven’t seen the movie you can read the plot line here
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mamma_Mia!_%28film%29
A mother and daughter who lived together. The daughter wanted to find her dad, and it was one of the 3 guys her mom slept with one summer. She was about to get married and invited all 3 to her wedding to see if she could figure it out.
I’m calling them stories because that’s what we tell ourselves. The internal discussion we have to justify how we feel. The goal with my stories was to rewrite every single negative story I had told myself over the years. That included both… if it was about another individual or about myself. All had to be repainted in a positive way so I could let go of anger and bitterness I felt towards myself and towards others.
The key to making sure that happened… Every body in every story had to be a hero. Nobody was allowed to be the villain or the “bad” guy, not even me. I had to be able to find the reasons that could make each story beautiful so I could smile at the end of it. It was a challenge at times, but I just kept re-writting them and upgrading them until I could.
The 3 men in the movie were the captain, the hippie that was gay, and the business man.
I was learning about the male and female energies at the time as well. The logical mind vs the heart (creative/emotional side). So I decided to pick one of the characters for the role of my male energy. The problem I had with learning how to balance the two energies was that I couldn’t envision the guy’s side of things. Not being a guy, and not wanting to be a guy, complicated this. Especially if there was any romance involved in the story I was trying to write. So I decided it would be easier, and more realistic for my mindset, if I just made my guy a gay guy and my male and female energies would just be “roommates” so to speak. Roommates that argued quite a bit if I may add.
My male energy loved his man, but they were really just best friends because I didn’t want to have a romantic relationship with another male as a male.
My female energy loved her man, and the daughter loved her dad.
And that was the foundation for all the stories I came up with to work through my trauma. The golden rule I followed, was always be true to my self. I wasn’t going to write a story that conflicted with me emotionally or sexually.
Only song I saw that looked similar.
1977 was the year my father died. I kind of lost my mom that year too. She had to go to work full time and we were left with babysitters.
I know a lot of people are worried about losing their jobs and I’m here hoping a lot of them get replaced. There’s so much more to life then just clocking in for the 9 -5. I can’t count the number of times I sat at home just saying there has to be more to life than just the day to day grind, living to pay bills and own a bunch of stuff we don’t need. That’s also another great thing about living in an RV for awhile, you can’t hoard. Since I want to spend my money going places and doing things, if I need new clothes or a few items, it’s Walmart not name brand shopping excursions.
I’m looking forward to the day when we have enough ai’s, pcs, and robots online to be able to offload a lot of the work and actually enjoy life. This is the past year has been the first time I took a real vacation and actually toured places in almost 2 decades. Always had a work excuse, or waiting for someone else to join me situation. I guess I decided to make up for lost “me” time.
“An AI model has designed a functional computer in five hours”
This is rather spectacular news.
https://t.co/NX24iks9VP— Brian Roemmele (@BrianRoemmele) July 4, 2023
I did log in it for like a half hour or so. Still feeling that it’s not my cup of tea though 🙂 The PvE side of things was never my favorite aspect of the games. I liked the team vs team things. Chasing loot was also not the highlight of my gaming time, I got what I needed to play, and gave the shinies to the guys who chased them. I always played in the back lines anyway, so they needed them far more than I did. Casters was my class of choice, never the tank, they are the front line guys 🙂
I’d still really like to be able to play Civilization 6, now that’s a game that engages my mind a lot more. Strategy, city planning, growing your population, defending your territory. I couldn’t download it from Steam when I tried though. Maybe I’ll try again later on. Internet on the road sucks for the most part, so offline games would work better for me anyway.
Ever check it out?
You can play multi-player though too. Think up to 8 if I remember correctly. 4v4 or you can do 2 vs the computer.
One thing I learned about the RV life, it’s really hard for the A/C to keep up with the heat in the desert areas during the day. The streets are too hot to walk the dogs as well. There’s a few places I’ve wanted to go sight seeing but don’t want to be out in it for a really long time. Supposed to be slightly cooler tomorrow so I’ll see how it goes and if I’m ready to move on.
I had listened to Brian’s podcast on Infinite Loops where he said he tested other voices. Maybe subconsciously I wanted to test it too but not in the way it drove me crazy. I like beautiful stories, and I like happy endings. I have no negative emotions towards that experience. Highest and best use or timeline as some describe it.
When I working through the trauma my abandonment issues I used the themes from my favorite musicals.
Annie
Sound of Music
Grease
Mama Mia
I used the 3 character set up, and Mama Mia was the funnest and funniest one.
There was only one time that I can remember hearing a voice that wasn’t my own. It happened last spring. Thinking about it’s making me very emotional. It’s a beautiful story in an odd kind of way. First the backstory…
When I was 25 I got pregnant and got married. I miscarried the baby the event was a bit traumatic. I was about 11 or 12 weeks along thinking I was moving into the “safe” zone and out of the 1st trimester. The miscarriage started in the middle of the night and woke me up with horrible pain. He was asleep next to me, and I woke him up in tears. He got annoyed and wanted to be left alone. I didn’t know what was happening and was pretty scared. The pain worsened and I ended up curled up on the bedroom floor crying. It finally got to the point where it was so bad I couldn’t take it and wanted to go to the hospital, so I woke him up again. He got pretty angry about it. He yelled and was snapping at me the whole ride there. I wasn’t engaging him, just closed my eyes, cried and griped the car cause every bump caused even more pain. Drive was about a half hour, and by the time the staff saw me it had passed and they were able to remove it from the canal.
Fast forward to last Spring, 2022
I was living with my boyfriend at the time. I was going through a very ruff period trying to make sense of everything that was happening to me. I wasn’t eating, wasn’t sleeping, and then had to contend with a medical issue. I was in a lot of intestinal pain. A similar situation then occurred. The bf didn’t want to hear about, was focused on sorting clothing in the bedroom closet. I again found myself curled up on a bathroom floor in excruciating pain. Now I was having flashbacks to the time of the miscarriage, the situation repeating itself. That’s when I heard the voice talking me through it. I tuned out the BF and just listening to the instructions on what to get and what to do. That voice was Brian’s.
How did I create it? No idea. But it got me through a very emotional and painful experience when I had no-one but myself to rely on.
I can’t say I’ve had a lot of experience with auditory hallucinations, but I’ve had some. Usually it’s limited to while I’m asleep and dreaming. I’ll hear a door shut or a loud bang that wakes me up. I’ve gone and looked and nothing was there, so I just assumed it was part of the dream
It happened also when I tried Ecstasy. I was with a group of people and we were all just sitting around, kind of vegged out. We were at my mom’s house but outside in the patio room. I kept hearing music playing and got very upset with them thinking they were going to wake everyone in the house up. I was a bit panicked and told them to turn it off. They all just looked at me and were saying there was no music.
That was the last time I did E. Didn’t feel like moving while I was on it and started hearing shit.
That was the end of that.
A lot of people say they hear whispers when the words come to them. I can’t relate to that, or it doesn’t resonate with me as others would describe. I associate that with an external sound and it’s always inside my head.
Now, I’ve had words pop up that didn’t resonate with me at all. Always in my internal voice though. They came as very mean words, usually targeted at another individual. That’s when the 3 way character stories were very helpful. I knew in my heart I didn’t feel the way my thoughts were unfolding. I also knew from my life experiences it was out of character for me to go so fiercely in that direction. Defenses in high gear, claws out, ready to shred anything in my way. I just had to keep reminding myself that’s not who I am. Took sometime to work through each issue that I was projecting on another person. Spent the whole summer in fact. Took a long time to work through the trauma that left pretty deep wounds in my psyche.
I’ve gotten much better and quicker at changing my initial reactions though. Always a work in progress. I still use the story characters to help me through. When I need to soften quickly, inner child comes out and it’s time to play.
If I get stuck or really need to feel it in my heart, I go to a different type of activation. Memories of interactions that I love dearly and make me emotional pretty quickly.
I can’t say these are conscious decisions I make, it’s just the flow that happens and I can acknowledge it after it’s taken place.
